We Won't Get Fooled Again

Since the last time I posted, which was a long time ago, I have ran into some roadblocks. I slipped up . . . twice. The first time, I bought a pack of cigarettes thinking that would only smoke one and "save" the rest for another stressful time. I was having the most stressful week of the spring semester and felt that smoking one cigarette would not be a big deal.

And it wasn't . . . until I had another. And another. And another. Until my partner found out and gave the pack of cigarettes I had bought away to some stranger. And I was okay with that.

Then, a week later, I found myself feeling extremely lonely, depressed, and stressed. So I bought another pack, this time more reluctantly because of the money I knew I was wasting. This time was different though. When I slipped up the first time, it was as if I had never smoked a cigarette in my entire life and it tasted SO GOOD. But the second  time, not so much. It was like, oh, this shitty feeling again.

So here I am, at the library when I should be doing my homework. The cigarettes are gone. And I'm starting over again. I think the worst thing that came of this was the fact that I lied to my girlfriend and told her no, I hadn't smoked, multiple times. I feel really shitty about it because she is there for me 110% and just wants me to be happy and healthy.

So for all of us that have slipped up here and there, let's just move on and hope it doesn't happen again. For me, my addictive brain tricked me into thinking that what I needed in that moment was a cigarette when all I really needed was to tell someone I was feeling sad, or lonely, or stressed out. Don't let your addiction fool you. Really think about what your body and mind needs right now.